Step Away From the Buffy

There are a few things I deem holy. Untouchable. So incredibly perfect in their creation that should anyone except the original creator decide to toy with it, I will personally spearhead the revolution. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of these holy things. I have neither the time nor the patience to explain exactly why the TV series with the funny name is so deeply ingrained in my consciousness; suffice to say that the characters are in my blood; the writer and creator, Joss Whedon, pulls words out of my head and strings them together in such a way that I look like a philistine; and the mythology is so layered, so analogous to the tormented adolescent existence that I am grateful, every day, for having had the TV show for 7 years. Now there are comic book tie-ins by Master Whedon, adding to the canon and allowing folks like me to continue to revel in the misadventures of the Scooby gang.

So what has my proverbial panties in a twist? This news story. The director of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (remember that suck-fest? Kristy Swanson? Donald Sutherland?) is going to take the conceit-- a Chosen one, fighting demons and vampires and all matter of undeadness-- and make a new movie out of it. Without Joss Whedon. Whedon wrote the movie, true--but watched as directors and producers turned it into something too Velveeta to even be called cheeseball. He then took it back and crafted what we know as Buffy from that point on. So the original director maintained some rights to the idea, obviously, and now wants to jump on the "vampires everywhere" bandwagon evidenced by the Twilight series, HBO's True Blood, the CW's new Vampire Diaries coming in the fall, and on and on.

To which I say, just try it. Scores of Whedon fans will revolt, there will be metaphorical blood in the streets, and her project will die a terrible death if she tries to tie this to the Buffy franchise in any way. Let it stand on its own, or try to get Joss in on the project, but never, never, NEVER bastardize my Buffy. And leave Angel alone while you're at it.

UPDATE: Variety is reporting that the head of Vertigo Entertainment, the studio trying to get this off the ground, is saying "Studios are looking for a franchise and vampires are relevant again." WTF? Money-grubbing-intellectual-property-raping jackass.

Originally written 3.09