Poetry's Not Really My Bag

I hated the poetry portions of high school and college English. I could glimpse the beauty in the word and structure, but I didn't truly GET it, not like I did with prose. But I can write the bejeesus out of a haiku. Easy third grade stuff, with contractions and no flowery anything. It ain't Keats, or even "There once was a girl from Nantucket," but it was fun to do.

With that in mind, I bring you (some*) of the Fall TV season, summarized with economy.

Ringer, CW
Buffy rides again
Now she's twice as dramatic
It's very noir-y

New Girl, FOX
Zooey sings a lot
Hope that doesn't stick around
Otherwise, funny

Secret Circle, CW
Pretty, young witches
Evil parents hiding stuff
Way better than Charmed

Vampire Diaries, CW
Stefan goes Ripper
Vamp/Wolf sex is de rigueur
More naked Damon

Castle, ABC
Beckett doesn't die
Still no smoochies with Castle
She's coming unhinged

2 Broke Girls, CBS
God I hate laugh tracks
Appealing leads but that's it
Really with the horse?

Parenthood, NBC
This show simply stuns
With funny, rich characters
Even Dax Shepard

Up All Night, NBC
Baby at 40
Realistic and funny
Not too cloying. Whew.

America's Next Top Model, CW
Tyra picks All-Stars
New bitches same as the old
So many big teeth

Glee, FOX
Things look promising
Songs seem less forced, thank god
Quinn goin' bad girl

Raising Hope, FOX
Crass yet sweet, lines like
"I made that boy with my wang!"
And Leachman to boot

Modern Family, ABC
Got a new Lily
Mitchell wants to butch it up
We are all Pritchetts!

C.S.I., CBS
A spacy Danson
Brings renewed vigor to a
tired group of old friends

Revenge, ABC
Delicious rich snobs
Backstabbing and tawdry sex
Yup, I think I'm hooked

Sons of Anarchy, FX
Guys have done their time
Jax makes white trash look so good
Let's blow some shit up

Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Meredith got canned
But the Chief took a bullet
Everyone looks skinny

The Mentalist, CBS
Jane finally snapped
The team has been suspended
Rest in peace, Red John?

Fringe, FOX
Peter is no more
History rewritten, and
everyone seems new

Nikita, CW
All new stakes this time
Nefarious Division
Can Alex be saved?

Supernatural, CW
Cass as God blows hard
Sam might be going nuts
Leviathans? Yikes.

The Good Wife, CBS
Naughty Alicia
Hottest TV sex ever
Now just forgive Kalinda

Pan Am, ABC
Networks love Mad Men
This ain't that, it still has charm
Mildly intriguing

Prime Suspect, NBC
Sexist pigs gone wild
Bello is icy, ballsy
Just like I like 'em

Person of Interest, CBS
Immediately
Gripped by Caviezel's manner
Looks like the real deal

*This list is made up solely of the new and returning shows that I personally have watched. All in the last week and a half. Minus Community, Parks and Recreation, and The Office. My DVR is practically on fire right now.

The Emmys are Dead. Long Live the Emmys

Bow ties are cool.

Seeing as how TV takes up a huge portion of free time, considering that I study it and love and want to stick it in my pocket to cherish forever, well, then the Emmys should be the pinnacle of my TV-watching year.

It is not.

I hate sure things. I hate it when the same shows or people are awarded the highest prize in their respective fields five, six, nine times. A few wins in a row, sure, particularly if the competition is nil. But predictability breeds irritation, and so many amazing accomplishments are left out in the cold on a regular basis that the Emmys can be a slog and a half. Last night's broadcast surprised me a couple of times, but I was disappointed more than I wasn't.

A breakdown now of the best, worst, and most blah moments.

In the category of "Took You Long Enough":

Sorry Connie. RIP FNL.

Kyle Chandler winning for his portrayal of Coach Eric Taylor on Friday Night Lights. FNL is  poignant, funny, compelling, and so chock full of amazing performances that  the fact that it took 5 years for it to be recognized at all by the Academy is a travesty. Chandler's performances have never wavered, and he deserved this, big time. As did Producer/Writer Jason Katims, who won for writing FNL. HOWEVER. Connie Britton's snub in the Best Actress category was a terrible mistake, no matter how great Julianna Margulies is on The Good Wife. Then, to add insult to injury, Chandler forgot to thank Britton by name during his acceptance and tried to correct his mistake after his mike had been turned off. Sigh. Tami Taylor, we love you.

In the category of "Normal-Looking Women Are Award-Worthy Too":

Melissa McCarthy winning for Mike and Molly (not a great show, but she is the real deal) was not only heartening for non-size-2 funny women, but it gave the nominated actresses in the comedy category a chance to show solidarity and make us laugh by joining hands on stage and pretending it was a Miss America contest. Amy Poehler should've won, because Parks and Recreation is a stroke of genius, but McCarthy is deserving too.

Did she win this year? Knope.

And Margo Martindale, a middle aged woman of some physical presence won the Emmy for her role as Mags on last season's Justified. If you watch this show, you know why she won. If you don't, try to catch up on both seasons so you can soak up Martindale's country-fried Machiavellian matriarch who doesn't think twice about cutting off her own kin's fingers. Shakespeare couldn't have written her any better.

The award for "Are You F*#king Kidding Me" goes to:

The producers of the Emmys, for allowing Charlie Sheen to come out on stage and present an award. What Sheen said is irrelevant, other than to say he didn't annihilate the broadcast. The sheer stuntiness of his presence was gross and SO four months ago. And it was made worse later in the show when Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher presented and felt the need to reference Sheen again. Let him fade into the ether. Please.

The "Cripes That's Boring" award for unnecessary repeat wins:

Amazing Race. The reality competition show that is nearly impossible to beat won again last night over shows like Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance. Here's the thing, though-- Amazing Race is a very very good show, but how in the hell can any other program compete with one that is FILMED AROUND THE WORLD? Visually it's an insurmountable challenge. Shots of designers cutting fabric in a work room, or teams racing across China? It makes this category so dull.

Mad Men. I adore this show, in all of its snail's-pace-slow-burn-repressed-emotional glory. And last year was a great year for Don Draper and company. But the Mad Men love-fest prevented the last year of Friday Night Lights from winning the award it deserved.

The Daily Show. Yes, yes, they're genius. Are they nine-years-in-a-row genius? No. At the very least Stephen Colbert deserves some big ups. And can Craig Ferguson get a damn nomination?

In the "Missed Opportunities" group:

I mean, come on. Kristen Wiig rules.

Kristen Wiig losing for her virtuosity on Saturday Night Live. Julie Bowen's win for playing Clare on Modern Family is deserved, sure, but MF will be around for a while and Wiig has been carrying SNL for years now. Let's hope she doesn't quit the show before being recognized by the Academy. and can someone get Julie Bowen a cheeseburger, please? She's got that ropy TV-star look going on.

Ignoring Louis CK in both the writing and acting categories. Louie, the show, is a perverse exercise in what TV could be if the creative types were allowed as much freedom as movie makers. CK writes, acts, directs, and edits every show with little to no input from his network, and that kind of true maverick-ness should be held up on a pedestal and fawned over.

Walton Goggins was magnetic and intense as Boyd Crowder on Justified last season, and it would've been perfect if he had joined Margo Martindale in the winner's circle. This disappointment is tempered somewhat by the fact that Peter Dinklage is an amazing actor, and dead sexy. The floppy hair is working for him.

Confidence is hot.

And in the "Too Much of a Good Thing" category:

I really wanted Parks and Recreation to win Best Comedy. The show is a little strange, sweetly neurotic, full of detailed and loving performances by Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, Adam Scott, and everyone else. There wasn't a single episode last season in which I didn't have to rewind my DVR to catch the jokes I missed while I was busy peeing my pants. Then I realized the exact same could be said about Modern Family. So we, the viewing public, are lucky that the two funniest shows on TV aren't on the same night opposite each other.

QUICK HITS, LOVE/HATE STYLE

Love:
Leonard Nimoy describing Jane Lynch as alternately "mannish" and "womanish" in the show open. Also in the open, the entire Mad Men portion. "Women can marry women now. Hey there Peggy."

Hate:
Clare Danes shook her hair out of her eyes 743 times while presenting an award with Hugh Laurie. Jesus, get the girl a bobby pin.

Love:
FBI agents Dunham and Booth (aka Anna Torv from Fringe and David Boreanaz from Bones) together on stage. Thank you Fox, for your synergistic prowess.

Hate:
The Canadian Tenors have lovely voices. But their singing during the In Memoriam segment was off-putting.

Love:
Ty Burrell's carefully constructed and hilarious acceptance speech about his father, and Guy Pearce's deliciously bawdy one.

Hate:
Never ever ever make Zachary Levi, Joel McHale and Cobie Smulders et al. do something like the Emmy Tones again.

Love:
During the Lonely Island musical number we got to see Michael Bolton as Jack Sparrow, three dudes freaking Bill Macy, and an Ed Helms/Maya Rudolph/John Stamos three way.

Hate:
Lonely Island-type comedy songs. They irritate me, although it might just be Andy Samberg.

Love:
The pithy comments when people were walking to the stage. "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland."

Also Love:
Jane Lynch: "People wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage!" She was appropriately edgy and perpetually charming as host.

That's it for this year. We'll see if my faves get recognized next year. Don't hold your breath, cast of Fringe. Or Katey Sagal.

P.S. Best dress: Kate Winslet. Worst: Julianna Margulies. She looked like a bathroom tile.

Fall TV Time-Suck in 3..2..1!

The fall TV season is upon us, and it is probably my single favorite time of year. Yes, for reals. I've got a breakdown of the more interesting launches of the next few weeks, and if you want to check out a complete fall schedule for the networks, Entertainment Weekly has a good look at them.

A preface.

I watch more TV than anyone I know. I mean scripted television, the hard stuff, not the brain-cell-killing Jersey/Kardashian/Housewives candy-colored crapola*. I watch sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, dramedy, drama, procedural, docu-series, musicals, almost all of it. I've been obsessed with it since my earliest memories, when Greatest American Hero and Wonder Woman were being rerun in syndication and my mother watched shows that were over my head like Hill Street Blues and All in the Family.  I consider television to be the most challenging and relevant medium we have, and to create a brilliant TV series is to touch the gods of narrative and make them your bitches. Not every brilliant show is brilliant all the time, because to create 22 episodes of genius every year is an insurmountable task for even the most intelligent and ambitious writers. And the writers are the creative power in TV, more than anywhere else.

Unfortunately for these wonderful writers, the networks want moneymoneymoney, so scores of good-could-be-great shows are never given the chance to breathe and settle in to their writing staff and characters. So expect a bloodbath of cancellations before November -- when you are a big sci-fi/fantasy fan like me, you get used to your genre programs getting slaughtered in their infancy. RIP Space: Above and Beyond, Twin Peaks, Firefly, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, Caprica, Dollhouse, Life On Mars, etc. etc.

Gratuitous Whedon Photo

SO! I want you to feel safe taking a recommendation from me because not only am I a voracious consumer of the product, but I guarantee I will be watching every one of these new shows for at least 3 or 4 weeks, to see if they can make a go of it. If something's terrible, I will suffer along with you.

TEN NEW SHOWS THAT DON'T LOOK LIKE GARBAGE:

Ringer
Sarah Michelle Gellar is Buffy Summers. Period. BUT! She's also an incredibly deft actress, and she's been given a high-concept show in which she gets to play estranged twins (addict stripper and secretive socialite.) There are faked deaths, murders, and a lot of SMG-patented pointed glaring. Sounds just like our Slayer.
Premieres Tuesday 9/13 at 9pm on CW

Applegate and Arnett go gaga

Up All Night
Christina Applegate, Will Arnett, and Maya Rudolph are starring in this comedy about 40 year olds who give up their extended adolescence and have a kid. It's been made very clear in press reports that this show is less about the baby and more about a specific generation (mine) doing the kids thing late, and the situational comedy that comes from that. Whatever. The previews made me pee a little, and the stars are all at the top of their game. Not watching would be, in the words of Gob Bluth, "a huge mistake."
Series preview Wednesday 9/14 at 10pm on NBC

Kat Dennings is yum.

2 Broke Girls
Another comedy that looks as savvy and biting as a laugh-tracked show can be is this Kat Dennings vehicle from CBS. CBS comedies are hit-or-miss really, not super-edgy or groundbreaking, but not appalling. This one, about a blue collar girl and a formerly rich girl waiting tables and having shenanigans looks younger and more fun than anything the network has put out since How I Met Your Mother started. Dennings is delicious and rough, so let's hope the jokes stay fresh.
Premieres Monday 9/19 at 8:30pm on CBS

Pan Am
Did you know the employees of Pan Am (the only global airline in 1963, when this show is set) were enlisted in espionage for the US Government? Me neither. But the premise of this show is based on a real woman's experiences, so I'm intrigued by the concept. Pan Am is also an ABC drama, though, so there will be good soapy elements and family/relationship drama to keep it multi-dimensional. One thing that might bug me: no one will be smoking. In 1963. Ah, Disney.
Premieres Sunday 9/25 at 10pm on ABC

Prime Suspect
Cop shows are hard to do in a fresh way -- and while PS has an impeccable British pedigree (Helen frisking Mirren!,) American cops are harder, nastier, and carry more weaponry than their English counterparts. So this new version starring Maria Bello will reflect that in its portrayal of a New York detective with a big mouth, a big attitude, and very cool hat. To have a procedural drama from a female perspective is HUGE, particularly when the woman gets to be rough around the edges. Bello is an amazing actor, and her supporting cast is stellar (Aidan Quinn, Kirk Acevedo.) Plus Exec Producer Peter Berg did Friday Night Lights. Sold.
Premieres Thursday 9/22 at 10pm on NBC

Terra Nova

Jason O'Mara. Not hideous.

If only for the fact that I've been waiting to see this thing for over a year. Spielberg goes back to his dinosaur roots with a time travel sci-fi epic starring Jason O'Mara and Stephen Lang (the bad guy from Avatar.) The conceit: humans ruin the planet. A chink in the armor of the time-space continuum allows people to be sent ALL the way back. Like, dinosaur times. So humans begin resettling our planet in an effort to head off  the nightmare Al Gore warned us about. Why the past resettling doesn't change the state of the current devastated planet in real time is a paradoxical conundrum best answered by The Doctor. But that's another show. 
Premieres Monday 9/26 at 8pm on FOX


Person of Interest
Michael Emerson is singularly creepy, and it's not his fault. The characters he plays are always emotionally and mentally disturbed to the point where they can't possibly be viewed as much more than pitiful (see: Ben Linus on Lost.) So to see him as a zillionaire who teams up with Jesus Jim Caviezel to prevent violent crime….a thrilling opportunity. Caviezel is handsome, stoic, yet intensely vulnerable, and every word out of Emerson's mouth sounds like it has a dozen strings attached. And you hang on every nuance. From the mind of JJ Abrams, if you needed more convincing.
Premieres Thursday 9/22 at 9pm on CBS

  

Look how kooky I am! Glasses!

New Girl
Zooey Deschanel is a hipster cottage industry unto herself, but her personal cuteness has gotten in the way of her actual skill lately. A sitcom with her as a hip, kooky, and newly single girl who moves in with a group of dudes sounds like a perfect opportunity to get her comedic timing back on the front burner. The incessant promos over the summer killed every joke in the pilot, though, so a couple extra weeks will be needed to see if a) the jokes stay fun and b) the guy they got to replace Damon Wayans Jr. is any good.
Premieres Tuesday 9/20 at 9pm on FOX

 The Secret Circle
If you're into Pretty Little Liars, Vampire Diaries or Supernatural, then SC is going to work for you. It's got young hot people. Witchcraft. Family secrets. Jealousy, hormones, and soapy sudsy goodness. The star, Britt Robertson, is lovely and intuitive as an actor, and Thomas Dekker (Sarah Conner Chronicles) deserves a hit show. This might be outside the wheelhouse of the average 30-something but y'all need to loosen up.
Premieres Thursday 9/15 at 9pm on CW

Once Upon a Time
In a small town in Maine, fairy tale characters are real people. They don't know who they are, but they exist. Gothic fantasy combined with character-driven drama, suspense, and an outstanding cast (Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison, Robert Carlyle, Lana Parilla) make this something that could be very, very, VERY good. The writers in charge are Lost vets, and genre scribe extraordinaire Jane Espenson is producing. Nerd-gasm.
Premieres Sunday 10/23 at 8pm on ABC

American Horror Story
Very little is known about this show from Ryan Murphy (yes, he did Glee, but he also did Nip/Tuck) other than it stars Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, and Jessica Lange and it is supposed to be capital-s SCARY. And dirty. Just look at one of the posters, then go check out the teasers:

Premieres Wednesday 10/5 at 10pm on FX (cable!)

Annie Ilonzeh, Rachael Taylor and Minka Kelly are the new Angels

ALL THE REST:
Don't fret that you will never have time to see everything you want to see -- between  live viewings, On Demand, Hulu, and the network showing "Encore Programming" on Saturdays, it's easier than ever to access the stuff you want to watch. If you need advice or tutorials, let me know. I can effectively make time out of thin air when it comes to DVRing.

You may be asking "What about those sexy Charlie's Angels? Or the Playboy Show! The one with the, uh, Playboy stuff! Don't those make the list?"

No. The Playboy Club won't be as biting or satirical as it could be if it didn't have Hugh Hefner's approval, and it's way too easy to go uber-sexist within this premise. Plus, I can only handle one period drama with no smoking in it (see: Pan Am.) As for Charlie's Angels, I'll give it a couple weeks because I like girls who shoot people (on TV, people, relax) but I'm conflicted about Minka Kelly. It's her mouth. And the potential for sexism on this show is high, too.


And on any other list, there may be mention of the new supernatural cop show called Grimm. But Grimm is on Fridays at 9pm, opposite Fringe and Supernatural. No one wins that battle, least of all the newbie NBC show. On Demand viewing for sure.

Talking about the returning shows that are near and dear to my heart would take up even more of your eye-effort, so just know that I will be in nirvana once Fringe, Parks and Recreation, Community, Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, Modern Family, The Good Wife, Chuck, and The Walking Dead all come back. And Sons of Anarchy already started. And this doesn't include mid-season launches. We'll do this again in January.

So get a babysitter and call in sick to work. We've got TV to watch.



*I'm not immune to reality TV's charms. I watch: So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway, Top Chef and America's Next Top Model, and I liked The Voice a lot. I also like the shows where they remake your business or teach you how to better yourself in a non-plastic surgery kind of way. Or the ones where they build you a new bathroom.

Only Thing the VMA's Were Good For

I'm preparing to re-read The Hunger Games trilogy, not just in anticipation of next year's movie, but for the fun of it. I said it: reading is fun. At the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend a teaser trailer was revealed featuring Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, and it was all I could do to now chuck the book I'm currently reading and launch right into the tale of a girl, her family, two guys, and a seriously fucked up dystopian vision of the United States. Check out the teaser:

Suzanne Collins' books (Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay) are technically for teens. When and if you read them, you'll realize that not only is this a serious misconception, but book critics who pooh-pooh younger-skewing novels are big jerks, and Katniss Everdeen is as real, as fleshed out, as compelling a character as anyone Dave Eggers or Jonathan Franzen ever cobbled together from letters. More so, because those writers and their fancypants brethren (while infinitely skilled, amazing, auteurs, blah blah) are also a bit on the unrelatable side. They tend towards the overly-wrought. Collins writes like a punch in the stomach, direct and unflinching, with no handwringing. Perfect.

In reality there are dozens of books being published right now under the Young Adult banner that are superbly crafted novels, period. YA stuff gets a bad rap from serious literati types because, well, the characters are primarily teenagers. Teenagers in real life are messy and horny and not always possessed of introspection into the human condition. Teenagers in fiction are created by adults, though, and thus have the ability to distill their chaotic hormone-soaked feelings into logical action. They are relatable to us as adults now, and to the inner teen we all still carry. Messy, horny, chaotic.
If you've read and liked Hunger Games, try a few of the other sci-fi/fantasy/post-apocalyptic books that have come out of the woodwork recently: Delirium by Lauren Oliver; Divergent by Veronica Roth; Matched by Ally Condie; and Incarceron by Catherine Fisher.