Ovaries Abound in TV Land. And it is Good

We are officially in the swing of a full-on fall TV season, and it's tastier this year than last. (No shit, I think Nikita is the only show from last fall that I still watch.) A couple of cancellations so far (Playboy Club, NBC's Hank Azaria comedy Free Agents) with more to come in the next couple of weeks, but lots of shows don't suck. Some are even awesome: Person of Interest, Revenge and Hart of Dixie, to name a few, are all great or kick-ass or sweet. There's a little something for everyone.

I've been enjoying a lot of the stuff I've seen from a purely entertainment-driven point of view (it makes me laugh, or cry, or goes all twisty and cool,) but as is my way, I've also started looking at everything from the female-oriented-armchair-feminist angle and have stumbled into a moral quandary.

Do I watch a show with female leads if the show itself is complete and utter crap? If the characters attempt to be three-dimensional, do I owe it to my sisterhood to try to suffer through bad writing and ridiculousness in order to let the network know that I appreciate them putting women in lead roles? I think I know the answer to this (hell no I don't owe anything to anyone and we should never reward crap TV ever ever ever) but the initial quandary made me think of what I want from my female characters and how this year's crop of new and returning shows have depicted such complicated and wonderful (and terrible) women and girls so far.

There are more female leads on TV right now than I can ever remember seeing before, and a wide selection to boot. A lot of the time women are vacant cyphers or used to inspire envy or lust, or they're supporting players who exist to stroke the male lead's, er, ego. They're saintly grandmas, teen vixens, or (on the reality TV side,) shrill, gold-digging harpies with no discernible talent or skill (Real Housewives, I'm looking at you.) But in this season's scripted fare we have rich girls, broke girls, cops, flight attendants, talk show producers, surgeons, teachers, spies, moms, bartenders…all of our inimitable facets are represented, for the most part, except for the over size 8 crowd. Sorry, my beloved Melissa McCarthy, one overweight woman starring in a sitcom does not a fair playing field make. Especially when the gimmick of the show is that the leads are fatties.

You are amazing. I miss Gilmore Girls.

But I digress.

So I like to watch women on TV, and I want them to be as complicated and assured and occasionally insane as myself and every woman I've ever known. They can be hotter than anyone I know, because it's TV and that's how it rolls, but they must also be smart, or caring, or ambitious, or devilish, or all of those. I want women who are modern and independent -- women the Taliban would, like, totally go all sharia on. And I want them to be shown making decisions that women make, every day. 

With these standards in mind, I took a look at the women on my small screen this season and tried to figure out if it's positive progress for my gender or if the show runner has ever even heard of the Bechdel Test.

Grey's Anatomy is a show created by a woman, a rarity in TV, and seems to have an easier time  making its female characters complex. This season the bar has been raised, though, since (SPOILER!) Christina Yang actually followed through with an abortion. When main characters get pregnant on TV they either have a baby or a miscarriage, period. Even in 2011 abortion is too alienating for the mainstream, but to have Yang (a driven, ambitious surgeon with no desire to have children) come to term would have been so far out of character that it would've undermined everything we faithful viewers know about her. The fact that Yang's onscreen husband supported her no matter his desire for a kid, well, I don't know if men like that really exist. But it was done brilliantly.

Parenthood is a quieter, less showy family drama that assembles an amazing cast, but the standouts are Mae Whitman and Lauren Graham as daughter and single mother. Their relationship is codependent and real. Erika Christensen's portrayal of a career woman who can't have a second child is heartbreaking, Monica Potter's balancing act of work, unemployed husband, teenage daughter, autistic son, and newborn baby is superhuman.

They're BFFs. With weaponry.

Nikita is one of the rarest breeds of all -- an actiony/spy thriller with women at the head. The two lead spies: women. The head of the shadowy black ops organization Division: woman. The mouthpiece for Oversight, the politicians who keep Division in check: woman. Maggie Q (Nikita) is an action star in her own right, and she kicks the crap out of people in her own stunts. Lyndsy Fonseca is Alexandra, Nikita's protege and current enemy, and their relationship is the heart of the show. Nikita has a boyfriend, sure, but their romance is back burner stuff. The really gripping emotion comes from the women and their dysfunctional interaction. Like when Nikita breaks Alex's arm and shoots her (for her own good.)

Fringe has the distinction of having a female lead strong enough and compelling enough that she played three different characters last season. THREE. This year she's playing two, sometimes in the same episode. FBI Agent Olivia Dunham is repressed and icy with almost everyone, but she's also professional and smart and very, very good at her job. Actor Anna Torv gives Olivia the smallest hint of vulnerability, but not enough to ever make her a victim. JJ Abrams launched this show, the way he launched Jennifer Garner in Alias -- he seems to have a gift for writing deep women.

The Good Wife has plenty of male characters, but the most intriguing interactions are between Julianna Margulies, Christine Baranski, and Archie Panjabi. When Baranski's liberal attorney makes time with a conservative hotshot and makes no bones about her politics: awesome. When Margulies rains hell down on Panjabi for sleeping with her husband: delicious.

NEW SHOWS!

There are only a few weeks to go on with these new programs. With some, like Charlie's Angels, I can't stomach the thought of watching any more just to see if the women are likable. I got exactly 9 1/2 minutes into the pilot before lines like "I didn't know my heart could hurt this much" made me turn it off and throw my remote at the screen. That show is, in fact, the reason I wrote this post in the first place. First class terrible, but did I owe it a full episode before I dismissed it? I'm going with no. I always give new shows two full weeks, sometimes three, to impress me or repel me. Always. I just could. not. do it. Luckily there are plenty of promising programs full of women with the potential to be authentic and compelling.

I like the hat. Suck it.

Prime Suspect has been a fantastic showcase for Maria Bello. She's closer to middle age than post adolescence, unlike most female stars on TV, and that alone is enough to make me watch. But then she's is dead sexy with her deep voice, fuck-you attitude, and general irritability. And it's all shot in New York, so, bonus.

Pan Am is about flight attendants in the '60's, sure, but this ABC show has depicted less sexism than the set-in-present-day Prime Suspect. While that may not be realistic, and the lessons Pan Am tries to teach about women's lib aren't exactly subtle, the women ARE the show. And aside from their lily whiteness (a problem 90 percent of TV shows share) the women show a decent range of personalities. And it's fun.

Revenge pits the Madeline Stowe's vindictive matriarch against Emily Van Camp's vindictive daddy's girl in a glossy, soapy showdown in the Hamptons. The backstabbing and plotting is like an 'roid rage version of what actual women do to each other on a regular basis. We should stop that.

Ringer stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as the TWO leads, a challenge to which she rises admirably. But this show loses points for making the only other regular female character a woman whose husband is cheating on her. With her best friend. After she gave him babies. Maybe a future episode has her setting their bed on fire.

Dr. Hart tends to a local--it's tick paralysis!

Hart of Dixie stars the lovely Rachel Bilson as a surgeon whose ambition got the better of her and kept her from developing any bedside manner whatsoever. So she ships herself off to Alabama to learn how to be nice to people. Refreshing to see a woman who doesn't fit into the "caring, communicative, sweet" category that stereotype dictates. Even if she is punished for her lack of empathy. And while her main rival is a woman, she also goes out of her way to treat patients who are girls, while subverting the good ol' boys network.

New Girl is cutesy and goofbally, but Zooey Deschanel makes her character Jess an individual with no real desire to impress anybody. A woman who would like to date but doesn't want to stop wearing yokel teeth for fun is an excellent example of a modern woman who doesn't make me want to gag. Unless she's singing to herself, because that grates. Take a point away for having Jess' best friend be a model, as if Deschanel were an ugly duckling.

Suburgatory has two cool girls in it so far, but the rest are pushy busybodies, Barbie-pink-fake-boobed-soccer-moms or their vapid offspring. Seriously, do high school girls still call other girls "lesbian!" for wearing military boots? Really?

Charlie's Angels. Don't know if these girls are awesome and layered like onions. Don't care. There are too many other shows to watch that have held my interest and gotten writers who were over the age of eight to craft their dialogue. Sorry.

I know I'm forgetting shows. A lot of them probably, since I haven't even touched cable. Women this year are rocking the bejeesus out of the small screen, and although there is zero improvement in female employment behind the scenes (boo) the world is seeing more even-handed and intriguing representation of women now than they were last year. Nothing bad about that.

Poetry's Not Really My Bag

I hated the poetry portions of high school and college English. I could glimpse the beauty in the word and structure, but I didn't truly GET it, not like I did with prose. But I can write the bejeesus out of a haiku. Easy third grade stuff, with contractions and no flowery anything. It ain't Keats, or even "There once was a girl from Nantucket," but it was fun to do.

With that in mind, I bring you (some*) of the Fall TV season, summarized with economy.

Ringer, CW
Buffy rides again
Now she's twice as dramatic
It's very noir-y

New Girl, FOX
Zooey sings a lot
Hope that doesn't stick around
Otherwise, funny

Secret Circle, CW
Pretty, young witches
Evil parents hiding stuff
Way better than Charmed

Vampire Diaries, CW
Stefan goes Ripper
Vamp/Wolf sex is de rigueur
More naked Damon

Castle, ABC
Beckett doesn't die
Still no smoochies with Castle
She's coming unhinged

2 Broke Girls, CBS
God I hate laugh tracks
Appealing leads but that's it
Really with the horse?

Parenthood, NBC
This show simply stuns
With funny, rich characters
Even Dax Shepard

Up All Night, NBC
Baby at 40
Realistic and funny
Not too cloying. Whew.

America's Next Top Model, CW
Tyra picks All-Stars
New bitches same as the old
So many big teeth

Glee, FOX
Things look promising
Songs seem less forced, thank god
Quinn goin' bad girl

Raising Hope, FOX
Crass yet sweet, lines like
"I made that boy with my wang!"
And Leachman to boot

Modern Family, ABC
Got a new Lily
Mitchell wants to butch it up
We are all Pritchetts!

C.S.I., CBS
A spacy Danson
Brings renewed vigor to a
tired group of old friends

Revenge, ABC
Delicious rich snobs
Backstabbing and tawdry sex
Yup, I think I'm hooked

Sons of Anarchy, FX
Guys have done their time
Jax makes white trash look so good
Let's blow some shit up

Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Meredith got canned
But the Chief took a bullet
Everyone looks skinny

The Mentalist, CBS
Jane finally snapped
The team has been suspended
Rest in peace, Red John?

Fringe, FOX
Peter is no more
History rewritten, and
everyone seems new

Nikita, CW
All new stakes this time
Nefarious Division
Can Alex be saved?

Supernatural, CW
Cass as God blows hard
Sam might be going nuts
Leviathans? Yikes.

The Good Wife, CBS
Naughty Alicia
Hottest TV sex ever
Now just forgive Kalinda

Pan Am, ABC
Networks love Mad Men
This ain't that, it still has charm
Mildly intriguing

Prime Suspect, NBC
Sexist pigs gone wild
Bello is icy, ballsy
Just like I like 'em

Person of Interest, CBS
Immediately
Gripped by Caviezel's manner
Looks like the real deal

*This list is made up solely of the new and returning shows that I personally have watched. All in the last week and a half. Minus Community, Parks and Recreation, and The Office. My DVR is practically on fire right now.

The Emmys are Dead. Long Live the Emmys

Bow ties are cool.

Seeing as how TV takes up a huge portion of free time, considering that I study it and love and want to stick it in my pocket to cherish forever, well, then the Emmys should be the pinnacle of my TV-watching year.

It is not.

I hate sure things. I hate it when the same shows or people are awarded the highest prize in their respective fields five, six, nine times. A few wins in a row, sure, particularly if the competition is nil. But predictability breeds irritation, and so many amazing accomplishments are left out in the cold on a regular basis that the Emmys can be a slog and a half. Last night's broadcast surprised me a couple of times, but I was disappointed more than I wasn't.

A breakdown now of the best, worst, and most blah moments.

In the category of "Took You Long Enough":

Sorry Connie. RIP FNL.

Kyle Chandler winning for his portrayal of Coach Eric Taylor on Friday Night Lights. FNL is  poignant, funny, compelling, and so chock full of amazing performances that  the fact that it took 5 years for it to be recognized at all by the Academy is a travesty. Chandler's performances have never wavered, and he deserved this, big time. As did Producer/Writer Jason Katims, who won for writing FNL. HOWEVER. Connie Britton's snub in the Best Actress category was a terrible mistake, no matter how great Julianna Margulies is on The Good Wife. Then, to add insult to injury, Chandler forgot to thank Britton by name during his acceptance and tried to correct his mistake after his mike had been turned off. Sigh. Tami Taylor, we love you.

In the category of "Normal-Looking Women Are Award-Worthy Too":

Melissa McCarthy winning for Mike and Molly (not a great show, but she is the real deal) was not only heartening for non-size-2 funny women, but it gave the nominated actresses in the comedy category a chance to show solidarity and make us laugh by joining hands on stage and pretending it was a Miss America contest. Amy Poehler should've won, because Parks and Recreation is a stroke of genius, but McCarthy is deserving too.

Did she win this year? Knope.

And Margo Martindale, a middle aged woman of some physical presence won the Emmy for her role as Mags on last season's Justified. If you watch this show, you know why she won. If you don't, try to catch up on both seasons so you can soak up Martindale's country-fried Machiavellian matriarch who doesn't think twice about cutting off her own kin's fingers. Shakespeare couldn't have written her any better.

The award for "Are You F*#king Kidding Me" goes to:

The producers of the Emmys, for allowing Charlie Sheen to come out on stage and present an award. What Sheen said is irrelevant, other than to say he didn't annihilate the broadcast. The sheer stuntiness of his presence was gross and SO four months ago. And it was made worse later in the show when Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher presented and felt the need to reference Sheen again. Let him fade into the ether. Please.

The "Cripes That's Boring" award for unnecessary repeat wins:

Amazing Race. The reality competition show that is nearly impossible to beat won again last night over shows like Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance. Here's the thing, though-- Amazing Race is a very very good show, but how in the hell can any other program compete with one that is FILMED AROUND THE WORLD? Visually it's an insurmountable challenge. Shots of designers cutting fabric in a work room, or teams racing across China? It makes this category so dull.

Mad Men. I adore this show, in all of its snail's-pace-slow-burn-repressed-emotional glory. And last year was a great year for Don Draper and company. But the Mad Men love-fest prevented the last year of Friday Night Lights from winning the award it deserved.

The Daily Show. Yes, yes, they're genius. Are they nine-years-in-a-row genius? No. At the very least Stephen Colbert deserves some big ups. And can Craig Ferguson get a damn nomination?

In the "Missed Opportunities" group:

I mean, come on. Kristen Wiig rules.

Kristen Wiig losing for her virtuosity on Saturday Night Live. Julie Bowen's win for playing Clare on Modern Family is deserved, sure, but MF will be around for a while and Wiig has been carrying SNL for years now. Let's hope she doesn't quit the show before being recognized by the Academy. and can someone get Julie Bowen a cheeseburger, please? She's got that ropy TV-star look going on.

Ignoring Louis CK in both the writing and acting categories. Louie, the show, is a perverse exercise in what TV could be if the creative types were allowed as much freedom as movie makers. CK writes, acts, directs, and edits every show with little to no input from his network, and that kind of true maverick-ness should be held up on a pedestal and fawned over.

Walton Goggins was magnetic and intense as Boyd Crowder on Justified last season, and it would've been perfect if he had joined Margo Martindale in the winner's circle. This disappointment is tempered somewhat by the fact that Peter Dinklage is an amazing actor, and dead sexy. The floppy hair is working for him.

Confidence is hot.

And in the "Too Much of a Good Thing" category:

I really wanted Parks and Recreation to win Best Comedy. The show is a little strange, sweetly neurotic, full of detailed and loving performances by Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, Adam Scott, and everyone else. There wasn't a single episode last season in which I didn't have to rewind my DVR to catch the jokes I missed while I was busy peeing my pants. Then I realized the exact same could be said about Modern Family. So we, the viewing public, are lucky that the two funniest shows on TV aren't on the same night opposite each other.

QUICK HITS, LOVE/HATE STYLE

Love:
Leonard Nimoy describing Jane Lynch as alternately "mannish" and "womanish" in the show open. Also in the open, the entire Mad Men portion. "Women can marry women now. Hey there Peggy."

Hate:
Clare Danes shook her hair out of her eyes 743 times while presenting an award with Hugh Laurie. Jesus, get the girl a bobby pin.

Love:
FBI agents Dunham and Booth (aka Anna Torv from Fringe and David Boreanaz from Bones) together on stage. Thank you Fox, for your synergistic prowess.

Hate:
The Canadian Tenors have lovely voices. But their singing during the In Memoriam segment was off-putting.

Love:
Ty Burrell's carefully constructed and hilarious acceptance speech about his father, and Guy Pearce's deliciously bawdy one.

Hate:
Never ever ever make Zachary Levi, Joel McHale and Cobie Smulders et al. do something like the Emmy Tones again.

Love:
During the Lonely Island musical number we got to see Michael Bolton as Jack Sparrow, three dudes freaking Bill Macy, and an Ed Helms/Maya Rudolph/John Stamos three way.

Hate:
Lonely Island-type comedy songs. They irritate me, although it might just be Andy Samberg.

Love:
The pithy comments when people were walking to the stage. "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland."

Also Love:
Jane Lynch: "People wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage!" She was appropriately edgy and perpetually charming as host.

That's it for this year. We'll see if my faves get recognized next year. Don't hold your breath, cast of Fringe. Or Katey Sagal.

P.S. Best dress: Kate Winslet. Worst: Julianna Margulies. She looked like a bathroom tile.

On Doctor Who and Attractive Scots

David Tennant courtesy DreamWorks

I paid good money to see Fright Night, despite my belief that no one will out-sexy '80's Chris Sarandon (creepy-sexy, not sexy-sexy.) It was decent, happily, and written by Buffy scribe Marti Noxon, so it had smart dialogue. Colin Farrell did his best Nic Cage (seriously strange,) only hotter, and Anton Yelchin was as adept and adorable as he always is. The reason I put my butt in that seat, however, was David Tennant.  And it was worth every penny. Tennant played a Criss Angel type, a Vegas illusionist with goth trappings, and he owned every scene he was in. And the eyeliner! I could die! More thin Scottish men in leather pants, please. David Tennant might not be anyone you've heard of, but he's been Hamlet, and Barty Crouch in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Most importantly, he's my Doctor.

"Doctor Who." British TV show, broadcast off and on since 1963, and he's been played by 11 different actors--the character's body regenerates, conveniently. It's a thing. He's got a blue police box called the TARDIS that is really gigantic on the inside and can travel through time and space. Want to spy on Shakespeare? Sure. Visit New Earth in the year 5 billion and twenty three? OK, but watch out for the cat-faced nuns. The Doctor (his name isn't Doctor Who, never ever call him that) travels around the universe in the TARDIS, with human companion(s), saving some civilizations and damning others. He's like the sheriff. Of the entirety of space and time.

The show returns to BBC America on Saturday night for the second half of season 6. The first 7 episodes aired in April, ending on a crazy cliffhanger, but jumping right in is strongly encouraged! There are plenty of stand-alone mystery hours that don't require encyclopedic knowledge of the mythos. The show is, at its heart, classic sci-fi with fantasy elements, a bit of horror, and a new lesson every week about what it is to be human, or to have humanity. Easy to get.  And you get to look at this guy:

Matt Smith and the TARDIS

This is Doctor Who in his 11th incarnation, portrayed by Matt Smith since series 5 began last year. He's younger, naughtier, and the vibe of the show is edgier and more fairytale-esque than the Tennant years. Smith has a distinctly nutty-professor thing going on that is very, very appealing. The guy's like 25 and he gives you nothing but ancient soul and the weight of the world when he needs to. Then he goes and dips fish sticks in custard and you realize "Ahhh, he really is the whole wacky package." You immediately want to leave your dismal existence and climb aboard his police box. You want him to pick you. That's the essence of imagination, and as an adult it's difficult to suspend your pragmatism long enough to access that feeling without a little help.

Mention must be made of Alex Kingston, as the mysterious River Song, who is evidently the Doctor's great love (but due to time travel hoo-ha, he doesn't really know it yet,) and the superb Karen Gillan, as Amy Pond. She delivers willful intelligence with just a purse of her lips. She is funny, feisty, and utterly devoted to her husband, Rory, played with excellent comedic timing by Arthur Darvill. Darvill is the heart of the team, though, not just the funny yutz in the corner. The two actors have goofy, sweet chemistry, and to watch the Doctor watch Amy and Rory have a loving relationship has added extra dimension to every relationship on the show.

So to review: Doctor Who--TARDIS--Time/Space travel--Cool aliens--Bow ties.

He wears bow ties. They're cool. It's a thing.

Watch BBC America on Saturday night at 9:00, let me know what you think.

"Fat Person" is Not a Career Path

I have a real problem with Carnie Wilson. Not just the regular issues with her that everyone has—I have an issue with her being professionally fat. For the last 10 years she has been on countless shows, in countless magazines, relating her struggle with weight. Celebrity Fit Club, a new reality show, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled…And this week she’s on Dr. Oz, talking about how to lose her extra weight “forever” this time. Seriously? She’s the only C-lister you could find who has extra jiggle? She’s one of millions of Americans who have this same problem, and millions of people would give their right arm to have access to the nutritionists, doctors, and personal trainers that her money can provide for her. Thousands of people apply for the chance to be on “The Biggest Loser” every season, but Carnie’s the best you could get? The neediest person? No.

So to watch another interminable segment with her crying, talking about how she screwed up after her gastric bypass (also something millions of people wish they could afford) is just too much for me to take. Carnie! You can sing. You can write a book. But you should be taking responsibility for your own mistakes, not trotting them out on national television. How much longer are we supposed to care about your inability to follow directions? Do you want us to feel sorry for you? I don’t feel sorry for recovering drunks who fall off the wagon and crash their car into someone’s house. So you get nothing.

Megan Fox Can Do Whatever She Wants

Let's spend a minute, shall we, extolling the virtues of the non-manufactured movie star. The celebrity who refuses to let his or her publicist craft tidy little soundbites for public consumption that always contain the words "grateful," or "fortunate," or "team effort."

Let us praise the actors and actresses who don't seem to care one whit what reporters or media types think or blog about them; and who figure the fans of their movies will either like them as people or they won't. These are the people who seem the most authentic out of all the shiny happy Hollywood confections that are trotted out on our screens on a daily basis. They get irritated, and show it. They are perfectly comfortable with themselves (as much as anyone can be) and they don't hold back with the sardonic or the personal information just because their current film appeals to tweens. They are rarely apologetic, but typically VERY compelling on screen--probably because they let their insides show on their outsides already.

I'm talking about people like Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox from the Transformers movies. Shia is well known for running off at the mouth and offering up information that might make a less squeamish person urp in their Wheaties. I am not squeamish, though, and therefore find it amusing and, yes, strange, that he finds his mother the sexiest woman alive, or that he watched his parents have sex and smoke weed and engage in all-around bohemian activities. Megan Fox has already admitted to being bisexual and entertaining a serious crush on a stripper; she's claimed to essentially be a man in a girl's body; and she's talked about the fact that she loves smoking pot and doesn't get why everyone's so effing bent out of shape about it. Katherine Heigl from Grey's Anatomy is notoriously plain-spoken, and might have tanked her movie career because of that fact. But in a business that is molded and injected with artifice as a rule, even abrasive bluntness is an applause-worthy quality. Bloggers, media critics, and the like have called this sort of behavior in stars inappropriate, diarrhea of the mouth, yadda yadda; and I don't agree. Those critics seem to be trying to get actors to all fit in the same neat little box, where they act well and look good and try to avoid any pesky human foibles. Boo to that.

Now, this is where I make a distinction. There are actors who say what they want to, and never come off as inapporpriate. Take Tom Hanks. That guy doesn't give pat answers to anything, doesn't come off as generic or practiced--he comes off as the single nicest guy on the frickin' planet because he probably IS that guy. On the flip side, actors like Sean Penn say whatever the hell they want, too, but very easily project "I'm an asshole" with every answer because he's defensive any time anyone asks him anything, even if it's about ice cream or puppies.

Encourage spontaneity in our celebrities. Encourage spontaneity in yourself. Don't think about every single thing you say before you say it. Unless it's really racist or something. That's just rude.

Originally written 6.09

Funny-looking and Hot NOT Mutually Exclusive

I have often been accused of being boy or girl crazy because of my ability to find beauty and sexiness in a lot of different people. Beauty is such a nebulous concept that it has to evolve and change and hinge on things other than facial symmetry or huge ta-tas, though, and I consider my tastes to be varied as opposed to indiscriminate. A woman can be less-than-thin, or have a strange nose, or a funny mole, and yet command a room when she walks in simply due to the power of her voice and carriage. A man can have sunken cheeks or flinty eyes or a prominent forehead and easily be the best choice for a hay-rolling you've ever met.

Men like Willem Dafoe, Robert Knepper from Prison Break (and the new season of Heroes, woo-hoo!) and sci-fi/fantasy staple Jeff Kober all have that dirty-sexy thing going on: they're rough around the edges, yes, but there's something going on with the voice, or the mannerisms that makes them incredibly hot to me. Most of the time it's a look in the eyes, like they could rip your clothes off before you even notice their hands are moving. And then when your clothes are off they make you their slave. Women have this going on too--Tilda Swinton is a perfect example of someone who straddles the line of androgyny in a way that intrigues me and makes me think she was born to seduce people. Maybe not people, maybe just me.

For clarification, Amy Winehouse is NOT the right kind of unattractive for our purposes--she's just too sad. Courtney Love--too sad. Sandra Bernhard--she's right up there with the best of the turn-the-lights-off-then-get-naked types of people. Mickey Rourke? Verdict's still out.

Originally written 4.09