Your Kids Need to Masturbate

A teacher in Utah (figures!) is under fire for "crossing a line" in her 8th grade sex-ed instruction. While the school won't give any details about the alleged misconduct, a parent is quoted as saying his kid learned about "anal sex, oral sex, masturbation, mechanical instruments to enhance masturbation and historical instances of self-abortion with a hanger." Are 14 year olds too young to hear any of this? Recent statistics have shown that oral sex amongst junior high students has risen meteorically in the last decade; so they're already familiar with the concept. And even when I was in junior high there was always the girl that was kind of slutty and did things other girls wouldn't. Don't you think that if kids (especially girls) were taught the truth about the exchange of sex for power they would be less likely to make bad decisions? They might be less likely to try to keep that hot guy by objectifying themselves and giving away the cow for free, so to speak.

Now, I'm not really sure why the discussion of anal sex would come up in 8th grade, other than to tell the girls that it's not true that women like it or that it's not really sex. This "not really sex" attitude can be directly tied to the proliferation of abstinence-only education, by the way. Telling teenagers that intercourse is a sin and will either saddle you with a baby or give a disease that will make your parts fall off only leads their underdeveloped brains to think, "Well, then, I'll avoid real sex, but stick whatever I want wherever else I want and it doesn't count!" And if the majority of this country is so hot and bothered to reduce the number of abortions women get, wouldn't historical instances of the terror of illegal abortion help them make up their minds about risky sex? If they were getting proper birth control education, also, we would have a real chance to reduce abortion rates. Instead you get idiot girls who just learned to shave their legs having babies that are doomed to grow up and repeat the cycle. These are the people who end up on Maury Povich, you know.

And the masturbation information? AWESOME. Boys get a crash course from the minute they hit puberty, obviously; but girls are left twisting in the wind when it comes to honest discourse about their bodies and what we're built for. Masturbation is just as important to girls and it has been to boys since time immemorial--more so, I think, since girls are usually the ones prostrating themselves for approval and using sex to get love. If all teenagers spent more time fondling themselves at home instead of groping in a car or wherever they do it nowadays, we'd all be better off.

Originally written 6.08

Blogging the GOP Convention, 2008 Part 3

I’m a feminist. I’ve waited my whole life to see a female be considered seriously for the highest offices in the country. I’ve spent long stretches of time pondering what a woman would be able to do for this country that centuries of white men haven’t. And even though I’m a Democrat, I should be thrilled that the stodgy ol’ GOP has finally gotten the cajones to put a woman on their ticket. I’m not.

Sarah Palin’s speech last night was full of ass-whuppin’ rhetoric and pointed attacks. Thrilling for the GOP base, nervous-making for the Democrats. But she ran the risk of completely pissing off Clinton voters and moderates who wanted to hear strategy and policy on Iraq, the economy, and healthcare. My feminism kicks in when I hear her called the best “man” for the job. And if I hear one more talking head refer to how “macho” she was I’m going to set something on fire. She is a woman, and she’s tough. Period. As a fellow tough woman I am disturbed by my initial reaction to her speech, which was to think that she’s a total bitch.

Day 3:

1. Mitt Romney ran through Radio Row like he was being chased by a flock of homosexuals. He looks like a game show host, and not in the endearing-Chuck-Woolery way.

2. Jon Voight whored himself out to the media for hours yesterday, at one point standing right in front of our booth with a crowd 5-deep around him. I went and got security to move them out of the way.

3. Gil interviewed Lou Sheldon from the Traditional Values Coalition yesterday, and I couldn’t look that little old man in the face. His blue eyes burn like he’s the Devil himself.

4. If you’re ever in Tulsa, Oklahoma, look up the guys from KRMG. Joe, Rick, and Drew are seriously the nicest guys on the planet.

5. Carla Marinucci from the SF Chronicle is brilliant, read her often.

6. KGO is famous and well-respected all across the country, it turns out. Don’t take us for granted.

7. The Log Cabin Republicans may be incredibly misguided, in my opinion, but it takes incredible bravery to mingle with people who hate your guts.

Originally written 9.08

Blogging the GOP Convention, 2008 Part 2

I don’t care if my President or Vice President has smoked pot. Or done coke when he or she was in college, for that matter. I get it. I do care, however, if his or her children get knocked up at 17. I want them to be aware enough to see what’s happening under their noses, whether it’s their kid having unprotected sex or a sibling spiraling into drug addiction. And a conservative anti-abortion, pro-creationism family keeping an unwanted pregnancy is no big shocker. And just because a woman is “relatable” doesn’t mean she’s qualified.

Observations from Day 2!

1. Governor Huckabee had a crush of TV cameras and microphones in his face, trying to press his way through Radio Row. He’s kind of short.

2. There’s no amount of soap that can cleanse me after accidentally shaking the hand of the Reverend Lou Sheldon, head of the Traditional Values Coalition. Ick.

3. There is one thing more frightening to me than the hard-core Christian conservatives—Young Republicans. All I see is that scene in Pink Floyd’s The Wall with the faceless students on a factory assembly line.

4. St. Paul has some really cool antique stores on West 7th Street. Check them out sometime.

5. Anarchist protestors are idiots and deserved to get concussion grenades tossed at them. I was around the corner waiting for my hotel shuttle at the time.

6. Joe Lieberman is patronizing and in for a serious wake-up call if the Democrats increase their margin in Congress.

7. Radio people are smarter and more fun than TV people.

Originally written 9.08

Blogging the GOP Convention, 2008

Day 1!

A few observations from day one of the Republican convention, and my issues with Sarah Palin, enumerated.

1) GOP women vs. Democrat women: skirt suits and high heels vs. pantsuits and sensible heels. Big hair and heavy makeup vs. edgy haircuts and lip gloss. Cloying perfume vs. patchouli.

2) Orrin Hatch had an entourage and people flocking to him like he was Elvis.

3) Sport coats, everywhere, mostly navy blue.

4) More African-Americans than I expected.

5) Gil is a frickin’ rock star on Radio Row.

6) TONS of National Guard, Sheriffs, cops, and K-9 units.

7) TV stations think they’re better than us.

8) John McCain was held captive with some outstanding men, 3 of whom I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday. Thank you, Dave Wheat, Larry Friese, and Rod Knutson.

9) Republicans can be very very nice people.

10) Not a lot of tattoos running around.

We’ve got a full day of convention today, so perhaps I’ll be more insightful tomorrow.

Let’s get one thing straight about Sarah Palin’s anti-abortion stance. The way it is being leveraged is insulting to Democrats and to women. This may come as a shock, but Democrats don’t get pregnant just so they can get abortions. We don’t like it. No one does. Democrats don’t abort babies with Down’s Syndrome any more than Republicans do. We also manage to make birth control a priority, so as to prevent unplanned pregnancy and avoid abortion all together. If Sarah Palin gave a flying crap about her daughter’s future, she would have had a birth control conversation with Bristol. Instead she is happy that her daughter is permanently compromising the life she could have had in favor of raising a child. As someone who has observed a great number of teenage pregnancies in her hometown, I feel safe telling you that Bristol’s dreams and ambitions are now in a state of suspended animation, never to be fulfilled the way they should be. And she is shackled to her boyfriend of one year, whether they end up being truly compatible or not. It’s sad and unfair, that Bristol wasn’t prepared for sex properly and that her “family values” have led her to this place. Excellent parenting, right?

Originally written 9.08

Prepping for the GOP Convention, 2008

I mull a lot. When I’m alone, sitting, reading, staring, I mull. Lately

I’ve been mulling my upcoming business trip. I’ve never been on a trip anywhere that was work-sponsored, unless you count smelly bus rides to San Francisco from Fresno for free radio station-affiliated concerts. So I’m proud of the business trip thing.

The fact that I’m going to be in the belly of the beast for a week is the mull-worthy part. The beast being the Republican party, the belly digesting me with its caustic acid being the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minneapolis, beginning next week. The nightmare version of this is a lot of rednecks, white hair, and blue-state hatin’. Not my ideal patriotic combination. Homophobia thick in the air, people wanting to raid my womb before I’ve decided what to do with it, people shielding themselves from reality with their shallow concept of Jesus…what’s a girl to do? On the surface, I will stick out like a sore thumb—I’m surly, semi-visibly tattooed, short-haired, a media-type with a chip already installed, right there, on my shoulder. So is it weird that I’m excited to go?

I know the nightmare version is not the truth. I know that the RNC will be exactly what the DNC is, both on its surface and at its core. On the surface, it as an opportunity to lay it all out there, to inspire the country and the voters; at the core it is a VERY well-worded simultaneous ego-stroke and sales pitch. But we, Americans, right left and everyone else, have a right to this process. We have a right to stand up for the person we want to steer our ship. The conventions might be a bit dog-and-pony, but everyone there, even the Republicans that freak me out when gathered en masse, want the same things. A job, safety, food, a future for their families. I am looking forward, I think, to interacting with people who believe in the Democratic process as much as I do.

And for all intents and purposes, I like John McCain. I find nothing about him to be slimier than any typical politician; he’s courageous and savvy and experienced. I’m not voting for him, by any stretch of the imagination, but my issues with his party are not the same as my issues with him. And my issues with his party are too broad in scope to enumerate here. But the fact that I get to witness John McCain’s nomination to the office of President is an honor, in my mind, and one I plan to enjoy. Then I’m going to go out into Minneapolis and get a tattoo to mark the occasion. Seriously.

Originally written 9.08

Tolerance, Schmolerance

I will certainly have my Commie Pinko card revoked after I tell you that Bay Area liberals can be a smug bunch. If you pee on yourself in public, smell like a broke-down sweage plant, or shout down poor innocent tourists from Wichita while they're buying sourdough bread, then you have a welcome place in this city-- set up your cardboard house anywhere! But if you give off even a whiff of conservatism, an iota of the dirty smell of capitalism, you are as good as hanged in the court of public opinion.

Why do I care? I am a solid liberal, always have been, and I come from a family of Democrats. I worked for Bernie Ward, happily, for years. And I'm a woman, so my capacity for compassion is allegedly larger than most. (We'll get into sexist stereotypes in another blog.) So I ask you, again, why do I care?__Because I take great pride in my self-righteousness. When I lay the verbal smackdown on someone who is trying to tell me that gays are Satan's minions or abortion is the murder of little tiny people, I want to make sure I let them have enough rope to hang themselves before I go all berzerker on them. When you squelch an opposing view, or disregard someone as a raving lunatic just because he disagrees with you, you aren't setting yourself up for moral victory. You're defeating an opponent by sticking your fingers in your ears and going, "I can't hear you! La la la lalalala..." Listen to what they say. Take mental notes. Refute every point with a fact that you know (read: didn't make up) to be true. Don't generalize. And if there is no argument to be won, if the person is just too stupid to grasp the concept of shades of grey, then what the hell are you doing talking to them anyway? Find different people to socialize with.

Intolerance is intolerance, whether you like it or not. Bay Area liberals need to realize that we are not all alone in this world, and that no one actually listens to the radical sect of the Democratic party because they all sound like hyperventilating children. Same for the crazier Republicans (O'Reilly, Savage, anyone?) Get a grip, and own the fact that in order for us to be right, we have to be able to engender conversation that proves other people wrong. Don't cheapen my self-righteousness.