I've Been a Bad, Bad Girl

What makes a person good? Not good as in the opposite of “evil.” I mean good, as in shining-from-the-inside, nice-to-old-ladies, concerned-for-the-homeless kind of good. And not one of those annoying over-the-top smiley people. Those are the ones that end up having people locked in their basement. They are all surface.

I have met a few people in my life so far that seem to radiate a certain calm that I myself could never approach. As a teenager, a time of life when typical girls resemble little more than beak-faced harpies without the cuddly demeanor, I knew a girl that made me feel as if I were the smartest person she knew. And she did this with everyone! You couldn’t fake that kind of authenticity. Like a guest Gil had a couple of years ago. Ashlei Williams, aka the rapper REIGN, is a young, gorgeous Oakland Police officer who just happens to also be a Christian hip-hop artist. She’s also got a great vibe, a strong spiritual presence, and that calm I talked about. I take a look at REIGN, and my friend from high school, and I am awed by how good they seem, or are. But here’s the rub—that can’t be the only way to be good.

I believe in karma; if not the strict Buddhist type of karma, then the notion that what you put out, you get back. If I put out good energy and acceptance, I will be on the receiving end of the same. This is fine in theory, right? But how does one keep from being petty, or angry, or catty, 24-7? How can a person avoid envy and jealousy? How is it possible to struggle with addictions and loss and pain, as many people do, and still worry about the energy you’re putting out? It isn’t. And that’s OK, I swear. All we can do is try as hard as we can to bring one little patch of respect and tolerance to our current circumstances, to our present-day world, in the short term; and work, every day, for a better long term.

I believe that the Gods, or God, or karma, or Insert-Deity-Here, that they can see our hearts. What’s inside—the mess of intentions and knowledge and repercussions that starts churning whenever we make a questionable decision or spread rumors or lie to people we love. I believe that while I am prickly and have been known, at different stages in my life, as a drunk, a bitch, a nerd, and a smartass—I believe that the fact that I am also known for my loyalty, organizational capability, and whip-smart sense of humor should balance the cosmic scale a bit. Our Gods have to know when we are incapable of digging ourselves out of a hole, and they give us the tools to fix it. And that makes us good people. Maybe not shining-holy-light-from-within good, but good all the same.

Originally written 3.08